25 things (many) would love to see happen in Bollywood in 2012
1. Tom Cruise landing a 47-second part in ‘Dhoom 14’ starring Anil Kapoor and jumping on every plush talk TV sofa to talk about the role ad infinitum…
2. Abhishek and Aishwarya deciding on a name for their baby girl and hopefully not following the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie and naming the poor little thing after a food item or military equipment. “Come here Kichdi bachchey…” or “Oi! Dhruvi Light Attack Helicopter! Neechey Aajao!”
3. In this the liberal age, actresses admitting to being red-blooded women with yearnings. It’s okay to be needy and swoon sometimes girls.
4. Shah Rukh Khan not mentioning his kids in an interview. The puke’s at the throat SRK! One more time and it’s gonna be all over your leather trousers.
5. Sushmita Sen taking a breather between the men in her life. Eh?
6. Ram Gopal Varma being a little less flippant with his tweets. But if he insists on not making any sense or being outrageously crude then not backing down and trying to explain himself and coming across as an even bigger twat.
7. Shahid Kapur getting the grammar right on his tweets; or better yet just shooting those members of the twitterati who pick on the grammatical mistakes of tweeters. Or is it ‘twitterers’?
8. Vivek Oberoi not talking about being a good Samaritan. Puke alert!
9. Prateik Babbar’s weird PR machinery taking a month’s holiday.
10. Katrina Kaif dropping that bellowing and annoying ‘good-girl’ hairdo and sugary-sweet attitude. For goodness sake girl, be a bit of a ‘Chameli’ sometimes.
11. Aamir Khan taking a spontaneous decision to watch an SRK film. Aamir Khan taking a spontaneous decision to do anything.
12. Jacqueline Fernandes’ thighs, Nargis Fakri’s lips and Imran Khan’s eyebrows stop having a life of their own.
13. Vidya Balan in size-zero. Or maybe not.
14. Sonam Kapoor not sporting the ‘Check me out! I’m sooooooo stylish’ look. Girl, part of being stylish is giving the impression that you don’t give a damn.
15. Sanjay Dutt making his decisions without consulting wife Maanyata. Or even if he does just keeping shut about it.
16. Starlets stop thinking that not buying underwear will save money and get them instant publicity. Gross isn’t sexy. Everybody’s gotta go to the loo sometime…
17. Malaika Arora Khan in clothes. Or maybe not.
18. Madhuri Dixit without a truckload of make up on her pretty face. Go easy on the eye-liner darling.
19. Aditya Chopra and Kangana Ranaut’s foreigner boyfriend being seen to assure us that they exist.
20. Minissha Lamba and the rest of her ilk declaring their newly acquired ‘assets’ at the customs.
21. Kangana Ranaut actually finishing her English pronunciation class without just talking about it all the time and realizing that you don’t need to learn a country’s language before going on a 2-week holiday to that country.
22. A no-holes-barred cat fight between two actresses with plenty of hair pulling and boyfriends and/or stylists trying in vain to pull them apart.
23. Rakhi Sawant keeping mum for a minimum 2 minutes.
24. An actress completely transforming herself to play a really repulsive character like Charlize Theron in ‘Monster’. Or just give Rakhi Sawant a leading lady role.
25. Aamir, Shah Rukh and Salman play The Three Musketeers in the Bollywood version of er…The Three Muskteers.
Vijitha Alles with thanks to Mid-Day